We’ve all heard stories last spring of how it was legal to have your medicinal weed on yourself during flight, for a couple hours if nothing else.
The TSA made a blooper and checked it as an allowed substance, only to renounce their decision and tell us how flying with marijuana is bad and that the plant is unwanted on airports, as it has been for past 120 years or so.
— Tom Angell 🌳📰 (@tomangell) April 5, 2017
As expected, TSA quickly reversed this poorly thought out decision.
Now, I could tell a lot of funny stories of how I got high as hell, checked into the airport and giggled on my flights across the skies, but you guys have heard dozens of such stories already.
Or, I could tell the story of my great-grandfather who’s biggest problems during WW2 in war torn Europe was that he couldn’t find any decent weed.
At one point, he was actually caught by the Nazis. Not caught smoking, but “caught” caught and got sent of to the camps, came back a year later, nothing changed – dude was still looking for good weed…
So the story goes like this:
One time, a few years ago, I was flying from Chicago to Europe — it’s about a 12 hour flight to Frankfurt or some other city, I forgot. So the way I was going to honor the memory of my weed-loving, nazi-fighting great grandfather, was by smuggling some kush into Germany.
Coming back from my sophomore year of college, I had a rough year and wanted to bring some fun with me on the plane.
But I had no idea how.
My friends advised me to just bake some cookies or brownies, wrap ‘em up and put them in my carry on. But that was too easy, or at least sounds like it is — I wasn’t buying it…
If you are not familiar with homemade edibles, they can sometimes smell so bad that you have to open a window, and that’s not an option on the plane. But not candy, candy is almost scent-proof.
So, I knew I had to be smart about it.
Smoking in the airplane bathroom is a big no-no, so that was out of the question.
I decided to make some type of edibles, did some research online, and found that the absolute best way to pull this off would be by making THC lollipops.
Lollipops? Shocking isn’t it? Not really, you can make just about any type of candy with cannabis oil as you can with regular oil or butter. You just have to put your mind to it…
Next thing I know, I’m standing in the middle of the kitchen with a couple cups of cannabis oil, a dozen Chupa Chups wrappers, white plastic sticks, and the lollipop candies in my stomach.
I was ready to make some cannapops!
Fast forward 24 hours, I’m at the airport, waiting for my never ending flight to take off from the runways of Chicago O’Hare. I had 4 Lollipops infused with enough THC to put a rhino to sleep. I had this flight on lock, as long as I pass the control.
I walk through passport control, and every other type of control, my bags get screened, everything is fine.
Now, mind you, judging by the amount of skill and effort I put in wrapping those lollipops back, you might say I am a professional forger. The cops start going through my backpack and I’m starting to edge a bit.
They pull out the laptop, they pull out my shirt I had packed just in case I spill something on myself — I’m clumsy as hell, and a couple other things, among which were the lollipops and a banana.
The TSA agents harass me a bit for the banana, just the usual TSA harassment, nothing out of the ordinary.
“Eat your breakfast before coming into the airport, it’s not our job to make sure you don’t have fruit in your bags, yatta yatta…”
Classic TSA type of rhetoric. They toss the banana.
TSA guys give me my bags and I’m good to go.
I get my bags and start looking for the gate my flight is supposed to board on. At the same time, I instantly open and start sucking on one of the lollipops. I wasn’t even sweating…
So, I don’t know if you ever flew to Europe, but since you are flying over a couple time zones, your body does not react to it well.
Not one bit.
If you don’t get enough sleep, you’re gonna be jet lagged for the next few days, and feel hungover as well.
Before I knew it, my lollipop started kicking in, and after 10 minutes of sitting in front of the gate and 20 minutes of ingesting THC through my upper palate, I’m higher than a bird’s nest.
I get through the gate, take my seat and I pass out before I heard the safety instruction in case of emergency.
For those of you that don’t know, edibles often take a bit longer to kick in, which was something I was expecting while eating my first lollipop…
I figured I should have at least 30 minutes of clear-headedness before I start drooling all over my shirt and grinding louder than sawmill.
For those of you that just hate flying, you gotta try getting high before the flight. It totally changes the game on flights.
You can get stuck in between two fat people and you’d still be stoked about it, because now you don’t have to worry if you’ll get a blanket.
You can just snuggle in deeper between them, and trust me, you will be fine with it. “You guys are so fluffy… You are the fluffiest two people I ever met.”
So, another 10 hours fast forward, I’m waking up from my lollipop slumber, basically reborn.
I take a look around me, I take a look at the people sitting next to me, and I notice something.
There were 3 babies sitting in the vicinity, every one of them at least one seat away from me.
I usually hate babies on board, and I can’t handle them because I really just wanna sleep, and they really just want to cry.
This time though, I was not phased at all.
Once I got my stuff off the plane, I proceeded to leave the airport, but firstly, one last check.
The cops and German TSA are walking a monstrous German Shepherd through the crowd, I think his name was Hans.
Hans is just wagging his tale, sniffing people’s bags, slowly closing up on the distance between me and him.
A minute later, Hans is clawing his way through my backpack. He is clawing at the exact pocket I put the remaining 3 lollipops in.
I start thinking to myself: “This is how Locked Up Abroad starts, this is my episode for sure…” and I’m sweating buckets.
They take him to sniff a couple more bags, and then he starts pulling back towards my bag as if I had doggy treats hidden inside.
The cops get suspicious and start asking questions in a classic “English with a hard German” accent. Here’s how the conversation went:
Cop: Was do you have in ze bag?
Me: Um…nothing. Just a laptop, a shirt, my papers and some lollipops.
Cop: Do you have zomesing illegal inzide?
Me: No, no… just this.
And out of nowhere, this cop gives me the Hail Mary card.
Cop: Well did you have any fruit? Any zimilar groceries?
Me: Yes, I had a banana. Got one from the flight attendant on my way here. Is that a problem?
I lied straight to his face, knowing that the smell of a banana eaten this morning wouldn’t be a good enough excuse. Given that dogs are trained to smell fruit, it was my only move.
Cop: Oh nein, zis is fine. Auf Wiedersehen!
Just like that, I was off the hook.
The cop pulls Hans away and proceeds to respect my rights and not harass me. Unlike the TSA agents in Chicago.
So there you have it, that’s my story of flying with weed on me, even though it wasn’t really weed, but edibles.
I hope you never do this as it’s extremely risky and I would not recommend it.
If you are really aching to put some jail time in, at least make sure you aren’t breaking any international laws while at it.